I'm On The Outside
by xiia
Summary: Lately Haseo's life feels wrong. With all these problems IRL leaves no time for a girl he discovered he might actaully love. Not to mention the fact that he's having trouble telling reality  from the game. Your journey is far from over. Rated to be safe.
1. To Nowhere

Disclaimer/A/N: I do not own anything but the plot in this story. This I s my first attempt at any sort of romance. It might not seem like it at first, but this will be a HaseoAtoli fic, with minor HaseoShino. It has spoilers for all .Hack games. Please be gentle, I wasn't really sure about putting this one up. Also I wanted to name each chapter after a song title or line. Some will be .Hack songs, but most probably will be normal songs. As for the first on, I couldn't think of one. So I just picked a .Hack//Sign name.

Chapter One: To Nowhere

The familiar sunset left the sky twilight colors, painting everything else with a tint of orange. I had my eyes closed at first, a bad habit I have when I warp. Sighing, I opened the door to the real town. Outside the dome was the long bridge to Mac Anu. I would usually ride my bike or use the warp point to get to shop acorn, but I decided to walk instead. Mainly because I had a horrible day at school and even though I left hours ago, I was still pissed. I have a bad habit of taking out my frustration on people who had nothing to do with it. I thought the walk might calm me down. Usually I would go kill monsters or do something that didn't require me to converse with people. I needed to check on Silabus and Gaspard. I hadn't said but two words to them all week. Walking down the crowded bridge, I heard people whisper about me. Calling me "the arena emperor" and "the Terror of Death." Then other people say.

" No, no that's another fake." I sighed. It wasn't surprising that no one recognized me. I looked down at my new design. Everything looked different now. To everyone else, I just seemed like another poser. Nothing unusual at first glance.

I saw them both by the shop. I saw Silabus stare at me, then say something to Gaspard.

" Hey Haseo." The taller one said when I approached. He sounded sad. That offended me for some reason.

"What?" I snapped. They both flinched. I mentally slapped myself. Why couldn't I ever control myself?

"Nothing Haseo." He said, obviously still a little startled. We just stood there, no one saying anything.

" Uh . . . Sorry." I told them, surprised by how gentle my voice came out. They were surprised too, but Silabus just smiled.

" It's okay." He said. Silence again.

" So, what's up? Have you been online?" He asked. For some reason the whole conversation seemed awkward, like this was the first time we'd met.

"Barely . . . " I muttered. I could tell my bad mood was showing. More awkward silence. Finally Gaspard broke it.

" Busy?" He asked. I had been busy. Busy losing all my real life friends.

" Yeah." I said, sounding dazed. I was recalling my week. Which wasn't something I was going to discuss. Betrayal wasn't my favorite topic. I told them I was going to log off, which wasn't a lie. Then I got a flash mail.

_Haseo,_

_Please meet me at Delta Hidden Forebidden Dead Wood._

_,Atoli_

The message left me slightly uneasy. I really didn't want to deal with anyone now, specially not Atoli.

I entered the lost ground. She was standing by the lake. She turned her head slightly to look at me. The way the glow from the tree lit up her face, sent shivers through me. I cleared my thoughts.

" What is it?" I asked, trying to sound casual. She smiled.

" Actually, I just wanted to see you." She said Then she quickly replaced the word "see" with "speak". Anger rose in me.

" Well, I'm here." I said, annoyed. Her smile vanished and she looked at the ground.

"Did I upset you?" She asked sadly. She had her hands together by her stomach. She looked so innocent. I couldn't stop staring. I heard her say my name. I felt heat rising to my cheeks. I turned around. I didn't want her to see my embarrassment. What was wrong with me? Why was I thinking of Atoli like that? I am with Shino!

"Haseo . . . ?" I felt her hand on my bare shoulder. It sent shivers through me. I jumped away. What had scared me? That I felt something in a virtual world? How much pleasure I felt from her touch? That I loved the idea of the touch so much I imagined I felt it? She looked somewhat surprised, then she looked hurt again. I hurt her again. I muttered something about logging off and left.

After quitting the game I took off my M2D and looked at my desktop. No new mail, no new posts on the forums. I could still feel Atoli's touch. I shuddered. I couldn't get her hurt face out of my mind. I had changed because of her. She did a lot for me, maybe I should go apologize. I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't face her. When I'm with her, I feel different. Like I would do anything to make her smile, and give anything away to keep it that way. That was bad. I found myself constantly reminding myself. "You're with Shino now." My thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing. I was the only one home. I picked it up, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

"Hello?" I sighed.

"What's wrong?" My mother asked me over the phone. '_Everything._' I thought.

" Nothing. I'm just bored." I lied with an incredibly fake laugh.

" Okay. I'm going to be late. Something came up at work." She told me. I told her it was okay. It was always okay. After a few more lies, she finally said she had to go. We said we loved each other and hung up. I walked into my room. Nothing was ever on TV since the war started. I just looked around. Lately my life didn't seem very . . . Liveable. I regret getting up in the morning. I only had my net friends, everyone else betrayed me. I almost logged back on. I went to my desktop. I had new mail. One was from Silabus.

_Hey Haseo,_

_Nice to see you again. You were acting like that again. Like, the weight of the world was on your shoulders. What's the matter? Is there anything I can do? If so, please tell me._

I first typed a rude reply. Then decided to write something nicer. I re-read his mail and typed.

_Nothing's wrong. I'm sorry I worried you earlier. I've just been in a crappy mood lately. You know how I get._

I sent it. Sometimes lying is easy. You just have to plan what you say first. The next one was from Atoli.

_Haseo,_

_Are you upset with me? I am sorry for earlier._

_,Atoli_

"Yes I'm upset with you! Why do I like you so much? I should feel this way toward Shino." I said out loud. I already knew I wasn't typing that. So I replied with.

_No._

That was it. I got up and decided to make myself some dinner.

_Blackness surrounded me_._ I saw something move_. _So I ran to it. When I reached it, Two huge hands picked me up and pulled me inside. And inside was Haseo._

My eyes opened. The only light in the room was from the TV. It was a dream? I sat up and blinked, trying to completely wake up. I shivered. It was cold. Mom wasn't home yet? I looked at the TV. More war coverage. The plate from the dinner I had still sat on the table. I just picked it up and threw it in the sink. I wasn't very much of a morning person. I resembled a zombie when I first got up. It was almost four in the morning. Wait, that late and she wasn't home yet? I quickly went to her room and opened the door. No one. I went to the phone and called her cell. After three rings, she picked up.

" Hello." She said.

" Mom." I couldn't hide the relief in my voice.

" What wrong? Why are you up this late?" She asked.

" Nothing. I just woke up and you weren't home." I said.

" All right. I'll be there in about an hour." She told me. Our talk ended the same as the last.

I walked into the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. I had dark hair, the kind you couldn't tell if it was black or brown. It went almost down to my shoulders, after Shino fell comatose I never bothered cutting it. My face slightly resembled Haseo's. Except I had green eyes. Apparently, I wasn't good enough for those ass holes at school. They just started rumors about me. Even though they knew about Atoli . . . I meant Shino, how the fuck did I get them confused.

I was looking in the mirror, when my very reflection shifted. It changed into Haseo, then he smiled. I instinctively punched the mirror. My hand stung then started to bleed.

" Shit!" I cried. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed some paper towels. I wrapped my hand in them. It's official. I'm going crazy.

A/N: Okay, not very much romance yet. It's going to have some though. I hope you liked it.


	2. How Could This Happen To Me

Disclaimer/A/N: I don't own anything. Let me just say... I don't care what Haseo's real background is. I changed it on this. I hope I spelled his real name right.

Chapter Two: How Could This Happen To Me

I was walking down the streets of Breg Epona. It was a quiet afternoon. I was happy it was Saturday, the day I didn't have to deal with school. The day I could just stay at home. My mother had acted strange since she got back. Let me explain first. My mother is a nurse at a nearby hospital. She was out way late, as you know. Still, I tried to ignore it, but the questions kept returning. I hated being left in the dark. It's one of the worst feelings.

" Haseo . . . ?" A familiar voice said. It was Atoli. '_Dammit.'_ I thought. I hated being around her ever since Shino came back.

"Hm?" I asked. She looked sad again. I felt guilty. It was probably my fault. I wasn't very kind yesterday.

" Are you angry with me?" She asked, quietly. I sighed heavily.

" No Atoli, I'm not angry at you." I sighed. She didn't look convinced. I wanted her to cheer up. I wanted to say I was sorry, but I couldn't. I wanted to say anything. I heard a loud noise, it was sharp. My vision blurred and my stomach felt sick. I whispered something. "Oh no..." Was all I managed to get out.

" Haseo?" I heard Atoli say. It sounded like there was ten of her. I blacked out and fell. The ground was hard and stung for a second. Then a numb feeling rained over my body, it was almost numb, but also felt like small needles.

"Haseo?!" Was the last thing I heard Atoli call.

I opened my eyes. Nothing but blackness. I tried to call out, but I had no voice. I couldn't tell if my eyes were opened or closed, so I glanced down at my hand. I gasped. My hand was almost completely transparent. I tried to stand, but I couldn't move. Panic filled me. I was trying anything. I was trapped. Why couldn't I leave? Suddenly, I was overcome by the strong sense of loneliness. I felt a hot tear fall out of my eye. I was done. I heard a woman laugh.

" Haseo!?" Atoli said loudly. I had never been so happy to hear her voice. I strained to open my eyes. My vision was slowly returning. I was in Raven. Kuhn, Pi, and Yata were standing above me. Atoli was sitting beside me.

" Are you all right?" Kuhn asked. I wasn't sure how to answer that. I was tempted to say something sarcastic, considering the fact that was one of the stupidest questions I'd ever heard. Without even thinking I said.

I am... Alone..." Where the hell did that come from? They looked confused. Finally, Atoli said.

"No. We're right here." She forced a smile. I weakly smiled back. I was filling in the blanks. Apparently, I passed out. It might have had something to do with the game. Maybe it was the fact that I'd gotten up so early. So that strange place was a dream. I was relieved about that.

" How long?" I asked.

" Not long. About fifteen minutes." Yata told me.

" Haseo . . . What were you doing in real life?" Pi asked. What did she think? Drugs or something? I told them I was probably just tired. They told me I should probably just log off.

I returned to my normal desktop and removed my M2D. I decided to go do something else. I walked out of my room.

" Ryou!" My mom called. After reaching her, she told me to sit down.

" You know about this war right?" She asked. Yet another incredibly asinine question. How could I not know?

" Yes." I answered, keeping my thoughts to myself for the second time today.

" Well, I thought that maybe I could go help. Be a doctor." She said. For some reason that took awhile to sink in. I was thinking, when it suddenly hit me.

" What!? You can't go!" I cried. She stayed calm. She took a deep breath.

" It's for the best. I can help. I won't be hurt." She said with her eyes closed. I felt tears in my eyes. My throat burned. I was shaking. How could this happen?

" But you . . . But you . . . " I stammered, fighting the feeling of needing to sob. She just stayed quiet. I couldn't change her mind. I lost it. I ran to my room.

Inside I felt so much. I kicked over a nearby chair. Tears were flowing out of my eyes. I couldn't fight it. I needed to calm down.

In the area of Hidden Forebidden Holy Ground, I sat in the church. Why did I choose this place? I was alone. So much had happened here. Shino fell into a coma. I was data drained, so why not my breakdown? My own thoughts were so loud I did not hear anyone come in.

" Haseo?" Atoli asked. Why the fuck couldn't she just leave me alone? I glanced up. I must look pathetic. You could easily tell I was crying. I wondered what she would say.

" Haseo? Are you okay?! What's wrong?" She asked, worried. I was afraid to speak, afraid that she'd notice how upset I was.

" Are you crying?" She asked. I cursed at myself. I really couldn't control my own emotions. I grabbed her hand and pulled her beside me.

" You can tell me." She said softly. The way she said it, made me think she would help me.

" My mother . . . My mother is going to war . . . " I said, trying to fight my emotions off. Atoli looked surprised at first. Then she held my hand in her's.

" Oh Haseo . . . I wish there was something I could do." She said. Her voice was full of pity. I took a deep breath. She looked hurt again.

" You want me to leave?" She asked. She started getting up. I grabbed her arm. Shocked, she looked down at me.

" No . . . Stay." I said weakly.

Through most the time we just sat there in silence. She'd occasionally asked me questions about things. She'd ask me how I was feeling. If I was doing okay. Mostly pretty basic stuff. Finally we left. It was late by the time I returned to town. Atoli had to log off. I wondered aimlessly around the town. Finally, I got bored and logged off.

I didn't say anything to my mother, until she spoke to me.

"Someone is coming over to watch you." She told me. That made me angry.

"Why do you need someone to watch me?" I asked.

"Well, you know. Just in case." She told me. Someone knocked on the door. She ran to get it. I heard her say,

" You're here. Good." I walked to see who it was. My heart skipped a beat. It was the man who left. He left nearly eight years ago.

" Father . . . " I growled.

A/N: Cool. It's done. I have a lot of ideas for this story, so I might be able to update quick. At least a week between each. If anyone has names for Haseo's parents, please tell me. I hope you liked it. Also, thanks to the people who reviewed. Thanks for being so nice. So thank you, Delta Major and DragonMaster Reborn.


	3. Without Love

Disclaimer/A/N: I do not own anything but this storyline. This is my first time doing Shino. I don't really like her( putting it lightly) so she may be a little OOC. This is the most emo chapter yet, to me at least.

Chapter Three: Without Love

"Father . . . " I growled. My mother was wearing a fake smile. I was horrified. What in the world was she thinking? Did she honestly think that I'd be happy to see him?

"What in the hell do you think you're doing here?!" I yelled. Mom but her hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

" Honey. He's going to take care of you for a little while." She said in a calm voice. I wanted to punch his face off. Why was he here? Surely it wasn't because he loved mom or me. If he loved us, he would have been here this whole time. For the first time in my life, I realized I had no control in the matter. I couldn't change anything, no matter what I said.

" Whatever . . . " I mumbled, walking away.

Back inside my safe haven, I walked through Breg Epona. Nothing really to do. I just kind of sulked.

"You aren't feeling any better, are you?" Atoli asked from behind me. I turned to her. I wanted to scream at her, but I actually didn't feel like it. I wanted to lie down, curl into a ball, and disappear. I just made a sound that was the mixture of a sigh and moan and shrugged.

" No." She answered for me. She looked guilty. I wanted to pull her close. As if reading me mind, she stepped closer to me. She was so close. Again, I slipped out of reality and could almost feel her warmth. I couldn't control myself. I reached out to her. I felt her arm, it was as if I was hypnotized. I pulled my hand back as if she had burned me.

"Idiot . . . " I scolded myself. Atoli heard me.

" What?" She asked, probably thinking I meant her. I couldn't do this. I couldn't be with her. Not now, not ever.

" Atoli," I started. She looked me straight in the eyes. I couldn't do this. I couldn't risk this.

"Leave me alone." I said, forcing all the emotions out. All the emotions that were really for everyone but her. Her eyes widened.

"You . . . Want to be alone now . . . ?" She asked, quietly. It hurt me so much to tell her this.

" No! I want you to leave me alone forever!" I yelled. She flinched. I could see tears in her eyes.

"Please . . . Just go . . . " I said quietly, not able to hide the pain in my voice. With tear streaming down her face, she ran off. I put my hands of my head.

" Oh . . . God . . . " I said, almost crying. I couldn't risk her to be near me. I'm about to lose my mind, maybe even go out of control. What if I hurt her? She'd get over it. After all, we were only friends. It was for the best. I logged off. This time I wasn't sure I'd ever log back on.

The next day, my mother left. I found myself fighting tears. I knew if I cried, so would she. I hugged her.

" I love you." She said in a half-whisper.

" I love you too." I told her, fighting the sob I felt coming. I watched her drive off. I had never felt more dead in my life. I was truly alone now, even Atoli was gone. When we walked back inside, my father tried to get to know me.

" I heard you were in a coma once." He said to me. I wanted to end the conversation quickly.

" Yeah, seven years ago." I replied.

" I wonder what caused it." He said. This was not the kind of small talk I liked. I lost it.

" Like you care! You weren't here! You don't know anything about me! I'm actually surprised you know how old I am!" I screamed. He did look hurt. He had the same, neutral expression as before.

" Ryou, it's more complicated than that." He said calmly.

" Bullshit! You met someone else! You just left Mom!" I screamed at him again. He sighed.

" Well. I don't have a house anymore, this seemed like a good opportunity to-" He was interrupted by me.

" Oh! I get it now! You came here because it was convenient for you!" There was so much hatred in my voice. It even surprised him. I ran back to my room. Maybe I'd log back onto 'The World' one last time.

I walked around the root town. Nothing much to do, just to walk around and look at all the happy people. I felt jealous of them. Why did they get to be happy? In the crowd I saw Kuhn. He was alone for once. I walked to him.

"Kuhn!" I called. He turned to look at me. He smiled, which made me want to punch him.

" Oh! Hey Haseo!" He exclaimed happily. He was in a good mood.

" Um, have you seen Atoli?" I asked. I wanted to explain things to her.

" Yeah." He replied. A little bit of happiness came over me.

" Really? Where?" I asked. His expression made any small piece of happiness drain away.

" Well . . . She was crying. She said you hated her. She kept calling herself an idiot." He told me. I felt guilty. How could I do that? How could I hurt her so bad? '_God, I'm such an ass . . . _' I thought. '_I can talk to Shino._' I told myself.

I called her to an area. She came quickly.

"What is it?" She asked. She was right in front of me, but my mind kept going back to Atoli. I scolded myself.

"I just wanted to ask you something." I started. My heart was pounding. I knew there was no turning back.

"What is it?" She asked. I had to just say it.

"Do you . . . What are your feelings for me?" I asked. She smiled.

"I like you." She told me.

" How much?" I asked. I needed an answer.

" Haseo . . . " She started. I kept my face expressionless. She sorted put her thoughts and continued.

" I like you, but I don't think I 'love' you." She told me. I felt broken again.

"Sorry . . . " She said, warping away. I felt horrible. Not because Shino didn't love me, because I could have had Atoli . . . That won't happen now. I found myself wondering again. Nothing else to do. I was alone, and wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I wanted to wake up. I wanted this all to be a nightmare. Someone called my name. It was very distant, I could barely hear them. I looked around. Silabus ran toward me.

"Haseo, are you okay?" He asked, staring at me. Was something wrong with me?

"I think. Why?" I asked, the way he was looking made me uneasy.

"I don't know. Something just seems odd. Are you okay in real life?" He asked. Why was he so intrusive?

"I'm fine." I said, annoyed. He saw it though.

"Something happened." He said. I was pissed.

" What makes you think that?!" I yelled, not able to suppress my anger. He stayed calm.

"That is." He said. I made a growling sound and spun around to leave. He called to me again. I decided to listen this time.

"I want to help you. Please just tell me." He begged. I walked over to him. I was so filled with hatred at the time. Hatred for my father, for Shino, for myself.

"You really want to know?" I asked. He nodded.

"Well . . . Where to begin . . . My mother left for war, my father, who is a horrible person, is living with me, Shino doesn't love me, I ruined my chances with the only person I ever really felt something for, all my friends abandoned me, and I'm losing my mind! Is that what you wanted to hear!? Are you fucking happy now!?" I screamed so loud it hurt my throat. Silabus looked shocked. I just had a breakdown. Dammit, these tears aren't helping!

" Haseo . . . I'm your friend. I haven't abandoned you. I want to help." He said, surprisingly calm.

" No. I don't want to drag anyone else down." I told him. I walked away. I always walked away.

I had paused the game. I walked out into the empty kitchen and gabbed a knife. I closed the door to my room behind me. I took the knife and dragged it all the way down my arm. It hurt, but I deserved it. I needed to hurt. I needed to feel the way I made everyone feel. After an hour of nothing, I put my M2D back on. I sat around in a back alley just thinking. I thought about everyone. I just sat there until I finally drifted into blackness.

_A/N: Wow . . . That was difficult to write. I love writing this because it's on a very personal level for me._


	4. A Lonely Road

Disclaimer/A/N: I don't own anything but the plot. It almost over. Maybe one or two more chapters. I know it's not very long, but hey! I'd rather not drag it out. Sorry about the name, I had no ideas, hehe. Sorry it took so long.

Chapter Four: A Lonely Road

_I was walking. I didn't know where I was, I was just there. I had been walking for a long time. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't doing anything. I was just walking. Then I saw him. I saw his gray hair and pale skin. I saw his red eyes_ _and white clothes. I called to him, but he didn't answer, he didn't even look back. I ran to him. I said his name. Haseo. He looked at me this time. He had an empty and dead look in his eyes. He was holding one of his dual swords. It was stained with red. My gaze traveled to his wrist. Crimson liquid was running down his hands, both of them I couldn't speak, I could hardly breathe. I looked at his face again, but it wasn't Haseo. I was staring into my own refection. I blinked and he was gone. I felt weak, my vision blurred. I looked at my own wrists. They were cut. I was holding a bloody knife. I gasped, my body felt heavy. I couldn't hold my own weight. I barely felt the ground when I fell. I felt my own heartbeat slowing. I closed my eyes. I gave in._

I woke up wide awake. What a dream. I was still logged in to 'The World'. I looked at a clock, it was almost time for school, which I really felt like skipping. I sighed. Going to school was one thing I absolutely hated. I would have to deal with those traitors. I got dressed, putting on a black long sleeved shirt and jeans. After I got done, I walked down stairs. My father was sitting at the table.

"Do you want breakfast?" He asked, pretending to show interest in my well being. I shook my head.

"No, I'll be late." I replied. I walked out the door. I was walking to school. I always had, and probably always will. My dream kept returning to me. Just like then, I was walking. The thought made me shiver. I was near the school when I heard voices. It was them. I saw them coming. I searched for a place to hide. I ended up behind a tree. I heard them talking.

"Really? He did?" One of the girls asked. I heard another one laugh.

"Yeah. Haven't heard from him since. He was just surprised that we figured him out. I bet he was crying!" He said. They all laughed. My body was shaking with rage. They knew nothing about me. They couldn't say anything. They took pleasure in my pain. They thought it was funny! If I had been standing in front of him, he would have been dead. My foot touched something. It was a rock. I picked it up and threw it at him. It hit him right in the back of the head. The weakling fell down. I chuckled quietly. He was to confused to search for me. The others were making sure he was okay. I was walking the other way. I decided to skip school today. I was walking aimlessly. Atoli came to my mind. I really upset her didn't I? I needed to apologize as soon as possible. I wanted to tell her everything. What would she think? She might not want anything to do with me, or maybe she would understand. She was king and caring. She was the only person who might actually care about me. I was going home. My father wouldn't care. Maybe I could get Atoli as soon as she logged on. Her image in my mind made me calm down. I thought of her bright and warm smile.

I reached my house and walked inside. My father didn't even look at me. He really didn't care. I ran to my computer, hoping Atoli skipped school too.

I was sitting beside the Chaos Gate in Breg Epona. I thought Atoli would come here. I kept checking to see if she was online, but she wasn't.

"Haseo?" A very familiar voice asked. I looked. It was Kuhn.

"Hey." I muttered. He smiled.

"Sounds like you're in a bad mood . . . Again." He said. I frowned. They always notice. He laughed. "Hey! You take everything so literally. Loosen up!" He said, happily. Sometimes his optimism got on my nerves. Maybe I was jealous. I never really felt like that. His smile faded.

"You feeling better?" He asked. I wasn't sure what he meant.

" Huh?" I asked.

"You passed out the other day, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I feel okay." I lied. He shook his head. Why could these people see through me?

"Haseo, you've been acting weird lately. What's going on?" He asked, dead serious.

"Nothing." I lied again. He sighed.

"I was just asking. Silabus said you were acting depressed. He told us to be nice to you because you were going through tough times. He would say what though. Atoli looked for you, but she couldn't find you." He told me. Silabus said that? I wasn't sure what to say. I felt angry and happy.

"Is Atoli online now?" I asked him. He shook his head again.

"No, she had to go to school." He replied. Then, he smirked. "Oh, I get it. You were waiting for her." He said. I felt heat rise to my cheeks. I turned away from him, hoping he didn't notice how red I got. He laughed.

Kuhn waited with me for awhile. After that I was alone. I almost fell asleep. When I heard her voice, I looked up. She was apologizing to a girl she had apparently run into. She was walking away.

"Atoli!" I called. She turned to me. She looked surprised. She must have taken what I said very personally. I walked to her. We walked to the back alley, not saying a word. When we got there, I spoke first.

"I'm sorry." I told her. She looked surprised again. I took a deep breath and continued.

"Shino doesn't love me." I told her. She looked sad.

"I'm sorry Haseo. Is that what you were upset about?" She asked. I felt nervous.

"I was, but . . . " I trailed off. Why couldn't I say it? I shut my eyes.

"Silabus told us. I thought maybe it was your Mom." She said, not looking at me.

"He wasn't mad?" I asked, thinking maybe he was complaining about me.

"No. Actually, he sounded really sad. He sounded like he really felt bad. Why would he be mad?" She explained. I wasn't quite sure what to say.

"I yelled at him the other day. I basically screamed my whole life story at him." I said, quietly. Neither of said anything. What was left to say? She finally said something.

"I've got to log off." She said. I tried to convince myself that it had nothing to do with me. She looked at me. Her eyes were stuck on mine. I looked away. She blushed and started to leave.

"Atoli." I said. She turned back to me. I took a deep breath.

"Thanks." I said. She forced a smile and left. I just stood there. I was such an idiot. Why couldn't I tell her? I got new mail, so I logged off.

I walked out of my room. My Dad was waiting for me.

"School called. Why didn't you go?" He asked, again he was pretending to care. I shrugged.

"I didn't feel well." I lied. I had felt fine. He sighed.

"I don't think your mother would like you skipping school." He said. I found it amazing how everything he said got under my skin. He was talking about something, but I choose to ignore him. I started walking past him. That apparently pissed him off.

"Are you even listening!?" He yelled, grabbing my arm tight. I winced because he managed to grab my arm right where I had cut. It made a tear sting my eyes. Of all times, now he noticed. He started to roll up my sleeve. I pulled away, my heart pounding.

"Ryou, what happened?" He asked, sounding actually concerned. My arm still stung.

"Nothing." I lied again. He wasn't happy with that.

"Don't lie to me." He said, stepping toward me. I backed away. I did not want him to find out. He was coming closer. I turned to run, but I tripped and fell. I cursed myself. He grabbed me again. This time he saw. His eyes widened.

"You did this?" He asked, shocked.

"Stop pretending to care!" I screamed. I ran up my stairs again, and locked my bedroom door as I entered.

I sat on my bed. I must have twisted my ankle when I fell. Not really bad, but it still hurt. I thought about logging on to 'The World'. Where the people actually cared about me.

I was walking in Mac Anu. I had no real plans. Just to walk. I was lonely, but I didn't call anyone. It's funny how I turn down every bit of help I get, but I really just want them to care. I suddenly felt dizzy, just like before. I got weak and feel down. I was lying on the ground. This time, I was overcome by intense pain. I tried to scream, but I had no voice. Then I passed out.

I opened my eyes. I could see the orange tint of Mac Anu around me. I must have been confused again, because I swore I felt the ground beneath me. I stood up. I fell back down, my damn ankle. Wait! My ankle? That shouldn't matter here! Come to think of it, a lot of things weren't right. I could smell the water. Even though it's just a game. I panicked. I ran into another player. He turned around.

"Watch it, noob." He said, angry. A woman with him smirked.

"That's not a noob. It's the Terror of Death." She informed him. He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, another copy." He said. Then, I made one of the worst mistakes of my life.

"I'm no copy! I'm the real thing!" I yelled, my pride controlling me. I guess they checked my level then. The both laughed and stared at each other. I could tell they were on whisper.

"Oh . . . Is that so?" She asked. I started to answer. I was hit. The man had punched me.

"Then fight us." He said. She drew her sword. I knew it was over. I couldn't win. I felt it. I felt them beat me. I had never felt so much pain. Were they going to kill me? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wished they would. They were laughing the whole time. The whole time they cut me. The whole time they stabbed me. The whole time the stomped on me. Then, they left. They left me to die. I heard a familiar voice called my name. I tried to say his name, but I knew Silabus was to late. I fell into the painless realm of unconsciousness.

_A/N: Wow. Sorry about the cliffhanger guys. I'll get the next chapter up ASAP! I hope you liked it._


	5. Falling

Disclaimer/A/N: I don't own anything but the plot. Please tell me if you don't like this chapter, and I'll rewrite it. I had alot of trouble with this one. From Wordperfect crashing, to a million mistypes, and so on...

Chapter Five: Falling

The first thing I did when I woke up wasn't opening my eyes. The pain didn't return instantly. I couldn't really move. I couldn't really breathe. It was a strain just to pull air through my lungs. I couldn't remember what happened. The pain came back, full force. I tried not to scream. Finally, the memories settled. I tried to sit up, but could barely move. I knew I had to open my eyes. I was afraid to. I forced them open.

"Haseo!" Atoli exclaimed happily. I felt a little more comfortable. If Atoli was here, it meant I was in heaven. Silabus called my name too. '_Am I alive?_' I asked myself.

"Where am I?" I asked weakly. They both looked at each other, then back to me.

"You're in Canard. Silabus saved you." Atoli told me. She was smiling, apparently happy I was alive.

"Can I ask what happened?" Silabus asked. He always seemed nervous around me.

"I'm not sure. For some reason I can . . . feel things in the game." I told them. They both looked confused. I needed information.

"Silabus. Go find Kuhn. Tell him to call a person named Yata." I instructed. Silabus nodded. He left me and Atoli alone. It was silent. What could we say?

"Do you think a healing spell would work?" She asked. I tried to shrug, but instead I just stayed quiet and still. I was afraid that if a spell didn't work I have to kill myself. This pain was to intense. My body was shaking just trying to hold a scream in. Atoli looked incredibly sad. She used a Retph spell. It made the pain disappear. I never felt that happy before. I felt like jumping for joy, but my body was still weak. Atoli giggled. She was happy too. I smiled.

"I'm glad I could finally help you Haseo." She said happily. There were a lot of things on my mind. What happened if I died?

"By the way." She started. I faced her. She looked at me straight in the eyes. She took a deep breath and continued.

"You aren't okay in real life, huh?" She asked. I felt like crying again, just mentioning 'real life.'

"What that? That's not a life. It's a prison." I told her. She looked at the floor again. She took another breath.

"I think I might know how you feel." She said. I just remember Atoli's state in real life. I heard her say.

"Now I have to be sure." She reached for my hand. I had been holing the cut arm differently. Apparently wounds from real life couldn't be healed with a spell. I didn't expect it at first. I tried to sit still, to not let her know it hurt. I didn't move. She started to take my glove off. I panicked again. I didn't want her to know how weak I was.

"Atoli?!" I asked loudly. The cut was still on my character. She gasped. I hoped she thought that it was from those PKs.

"You did this?" She asked. As much as much mind was yelling for me to lie, I just nodded. I sat there, not used to being this open. This weak. She wasn't looking at me anymore.

"Haseo." She started. I was staring at her. I could take my eyes off her.

"I used to . . . I used to do that too. My life felt like a prison too. I hated everything. Then I met you. You showed me to be strong. I did everything in my power to break those habits. Every time I thought about it, I would picture you. The day you came back to my in Hulle Granz Cathedral, was the happiest I'd ever felt. Then I thought you just felt sorry for me. You avoided me again." She had tears falling out of her eyes. I was shocked. I felt like I was going to cry too.

"Oh . . . Atoli . . . I'm . . . so sorry." I told her. My voice came out shaky. She was crying. Why was she crying? I didn't know what to do. I put my arms around her.

"I didn't do it because I felt sorry for you. I did it because I care about you. I thought I wanted Shino, but I never could erase your smiling face from my mind. Even when I was with her." I admitted. It was a mix of emotions as I said that. I wasn't sure how I felt. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but hearing her speak so sadly hurt me more. Even so, having her this close made me feel alive. I never wanted to let her go. All the pain I had caused her, did she still feel like that?

"Are we interrupting something?" A man asked cheerfully. I turned to see Kuhn, Pi, and Yata. Kuhn was smiling like an idiot. He must have thought this was funny. Pi looked a little surprised, and Yata looked dead serious. Atoli's face turned crimson. I felt heat rising to my cheeks as well.

"Shut up." I told them Kuhn laughed. I rolled my eyes. Silabus walked in behind them. I forced him a smile.

"You look better." He told me. I was hardly paying attention, putting my glove back on.

"Yeah. Thanks to Atoli." I said, which I instantly regretted. Kuhn started laughing again, which made me blush more than Atoli.

"Pervert . . . " I mumbled. My embarrassment made him chuckle again.

"So she healed you?" Silabus asked. At least some people were normal. I nodded.

"Perhaps we should continue this conversation in Raven." Yata ordered more than suggested.

"I can just leave." Silabus said. It pissed me off that he didn't want to Silabus to know. He did help us fight Cubia after all.

"We can talk here. With Silabus." I said. Kuhn shot me one of those, "what the fuck is wrong with you?" looks. I just shrugged. Pi gave Silabus a death glare, so he left anyway. I sighed.

"You say you can feel?" Yata asked. I nodded.

"Maybe this has something to do with you passing out the other day." The pink haired grappler said. I shrugged again. What was I supposed to say?

"I want out." I told them. Atoli sighed too. Did they believe me? Why did I care? No one ever believes me. The only time this had happened before was in the AIDA server. I was sure this wasn't one, so what was wrong?

"Haseo . . . Maybe-" Yata got cut off. He was cut off by that sound. The sound I usually only heard when an Avatar was summoned. I put my hands on my head. It was so loud. Atoli said something, but I couldn't hear her. I shut my eyes. When I opened them, I was in a completely different place. I was in the black place again.

"Welcome, Key of the Twilight." A woman said. I looked around, but could see no one.

"Who's there?!" I yelled. She chuckled. Was she the one making me unable to log out? I was trying to sound strong, but my voice was shaky. I was actually scared.

"Well, you are not one for listening, are you?" She asked. I didn't know what she meant, but didn't ask. I kept thinking that this was a dream. That I'd wake up in my room. Then I'd walk into the kitchen and my mom would be hurrying to get to work in time. No matter how many times I closed my eyes. How any times I fell asleep. How many times I nearly died, I wouldn't wake up. I was trapped in this prison.

"What do you want?" I asked weakly.

"I need you to open the door." She told me. I still didn't understand.

"What?" I asked. She sighed.

"You are the Key of the Twilight, not only that, you have an epitaph." She explained. Something about her voice was oddly familiar. She was someone I hated. I let that half get the better of me.

"No. I won't help you." I told her.

"You won't be helping me. You'll be helping everyone. If you open the door to the real world, I'll end this foolish war." She said, trying to convince me. Why did she want to go there? To rule it? Her offer was tempting, but I decided it'd be better to not help. I shook my head.

"Well, you surely don't care. Considering it was all your fault." She said. This time she had my complete attention. She knew she got me.

"How was the war started? By the third net crisis. They all blamed each other. Humans are all foolish."She said with a small laugh. They way she did that sickened me. Maybe the thing that made me sick was that she had a point.

"Besides . . . You have no real reason to live. Your mother will most likely never come back. The girl you love probably doesn't like you because of the way you treat her. Your life is falling apart. You'll be better off dead. Unless you want to return to your father." She said. Her tone made me think she knew she had won. I knew she was right.

"You only hurt people. If you do this you'll save the world, your sacrifice will not be in vain." She told me.

"What do I do?" I asked, defeated.

"You just don't fight this." She told me. I forced myself to relax. I forced myself to give up, one thing I never imagined doing. Nothing actually hit me, but the pain the unbelievable. I started to scream in agony. I wanted it to be over. I just wanted it to end. The black area around me was transforming in to real life. My own body was turning transparent. The pain wouldn't stop. I didn't know what to do. I heard her laugh. Then, I suddenly knew I had been horribly mistaken.

_A/N: Sorry about the cliffhanger. I'm gonna put the next chapter up very fast. I'm starting it as soon as I finish this one, I think the next is the last. It might be slightly short too. I hope you enjoyed. Also sorry for taking such a long time, I was really busy this week._


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